Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
