I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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