So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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