I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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