I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
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