dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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