why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
