I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
