Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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