If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
