Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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