I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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