It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It's shark week go big or go home
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
