It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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