My liver just broke up with me...
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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