if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
