I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Sober January is a disaster.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
