Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
