when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
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