No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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