Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
