This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
