I'm eating all of the evidence.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
