im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
