my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
