i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Randomize
