I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
my phone needs a breathalizer
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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