i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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