The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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