Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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