I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
