I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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