She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Randomize
