last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
