someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize