I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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