What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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