i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
