i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize