You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I just googled if crying burns calories
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
as a side note pls kill me
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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