No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
