The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize