Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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