He kissed a someone with a penis
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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