Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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