i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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