I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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