But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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