trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
smell my finger.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
