The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
