I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
