I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
