He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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