Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
