I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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