Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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